| John Allen (SUN 10359) |
| Name: John Allen (SUN 10359) |
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| Previous club(s): Belmont Keys |
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| BIOGRAPHY |
Nickname: Swades.
Position(s): Centre Forward.
Swades is something of a speed demon and is naturally suited to playing centre forward for Beauchamp FC with manager Colin Brown’s revolutionary use of the direct ball over the top of the opposition’s back line for Swades to race through onto. Indeed so effective has this ploy been that Swades has (at the time of writing) scored 15 goals and looks a dead certainty to break the club individual goal scoring record of 15 goals as set by recent returnee Dan Foskett during season 2006/07. Brown’s honest assessment of Swades’ impact on the team is “He was a coup of a signing for us during the pre-season and if he could even only use his left foot a just a little bit then he’d be phenomenon in local Sunday league football,” Swades has recently voiced his wish to become a captain in the mould of Gary Linaker and Michael Owen. In response manager Colin Brown, in the style of the late great Brian Clough, retorted "Never mind all this captaincy malarkey, young man. I signed you to scores goals and that's just what you'll do!". It would appear the discussion is now closed.
Work: Swades works as a ‘Clean you windscreen while you wait, Guv’ at the traffic lighted crossroads in Malvern Link. Swades’ now almost legendary speed and endurance is often put down to his job and many locals will tell you the tale of the time he chased a client’s car for just over three miles after they’d driven off without paying. “I probably wouldn't have bothered but the woman sped off with my squeegee clamped under her windscreen wiper. When I eventually caught up with her we laughed about the incident and she paid up and gave me a 50 pence tip as well”.
Ambition: Swades’ real passion in life is his collection of beer mats; he now has 3,418 different beer mats. Which is all the more remarkable for the fact that not a drop of alcohol touches Swades’ lips (ED: No, that doesn’t mean he drinks it through a straw. It means he is teetotal). He is currently sitting third of the list of England’s biggest beer mat collections and hopes to have achieved second place by the end of this year (2008). “It’s becoming very difficult to collect beer mats these days as there are less of your traditional pubs about” he stated “Also the household insurance can get a bit steep what with the perceived fire risk of having so much cardboard in my bedroom not to mention the lack of space that entails”. His obsession has lead so far to an interview on Radio BBC Hereford & Worcester, several articles in the local newspapers (mostly on slow news days) and a Blue Peter badge; though he didn’t actually manage to appear on the show as the director at the time eventually plumped for some hilarious footage of one of the Blue Peter pets urinating on the studio floor instead.
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PLAYER STATISTICS
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Appearances: 12
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Goals scored: 9
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Red cards: 0
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Yellow cards: 0
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Player of the match: 1
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THE SQUAD
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