Shorty's Ive had a sh*tter Award(part 2)

“Two Worlds Collide, Rival Nations. It’s A Primitive Clash Venting Years Of Frustration”

In a world filled with war, corruption and evil it becomes an inevitability that heroes and villains are created. For every super hero there is an archenemy, an enigma of hate, a nemesis. For Batman it was the Joker who relentlessly tried to thwart the cape crusader in his quest for peace amongst men in Gotham City. In Thundercats Lion-O was consistently called upon to serve, protect and break Mumm-Ra’s neck in a world riddled with fear, hate and a bird that was half woman and half leopard who was disturbingly well fit....and yes you would...twice. And then there was a lesser known town called Burntwood that boasted two characters that were able to antagonise each other in epic proportions. I present to you Tom Coles and the Referee as this weeks nominations for the fiercely contested ‘I’ve had a Sh*tter award’.

Like the calm before the storm, there were early indications that Tom Coles’ mood was as predictable as my Missus’s attitude when she’s menstruating. Some cynics out there have questioned Colsey’s respect for authority figures which was amplified in the manner to which the fore mentioned threw the official out of the changing room prior to the game for simply going about his routine procedures. But what happened out on that pitch, that monstrosity, surely could never have been envisaged even from Tom’s biggest critics.

Before a ball had even been kicked the Referee pulled both skippers up to the centre spot and delivered a speech that was longer than any one of Johnny Dares’ freakish limbs. The analysis and single main sentiment of the referees words could not have been more plain or more simple; If he gives a free kick do not deliberately stand in the way of the ball or try and move the ball. Now telling your girlfriend that her bum looks big is stupid. Telling Lennox Lewis that he doesn’t look as big in person and you think you could have him is also pretty damn stupid. What Tom Coles did 5 minutes into the game was stupidity at the highest level, a level to which most people would be forgiven thinking that such acts of stupidity don’t actually exist. 5 minutes into the game Colesy gives away his arbitrary early free kick. He then proceeded to pick the ball up, stupid. He then jogged a little bit with it, stupid. He threw the ball back over the opposition player’s head, idiocy at it’s finest.

This was the first meeting between player and official and although I was not close enough to hear the actual exchange of words I believe they went along these lines:
“ Dearest Referee, my name is Thomas Coles and I am a mere mortal and therfore liable to make mistakes”. To which the Ref’s response was “ Oh Thomas I can see you are a virtuous boy and that your heart is sincere and true, but thou must refrain from such acts of unjust nature”. Tom, who was clearly disheartened at the offence caused replied “ Kindred Ref, I have bought shame upon myself and dishonour upon my fellow team mates and will make it my quest for the next 90 minutes to win the hearts and respect of all mankind that grace this pitch”.

For the next 90 minutes Tom Coles managed to continuously concede free kicks, argue every decision made whether it went for or against the silvers, sulk like a child who has just had his strawberry flavoured push pop taken from him, miss a penalty, receive a yellow card, reduce grown men to tears with his unusual half time motivational speech, and ultimately threatened to kick 6 shades of sh*t out of his own skipper. Needles to say he was not victorious in his quest to win the hearts and respect of those around him. However, he did win the “ I’ve had a sh*tter award ” so every cloud has a silver lining. Next week my analysis will be far more accurate and in depth as I will no doubt be watching the game from the bench.