Report

'Saints finally start marching again'

by guest hack Russ 'Mr FA' Staves.

Holmbury Reserve manager David Archer showed why he's being tipped to succeed Steve McClaren and take over as England Head Coach after leading the Saints to a 3-1 win over Godalming United.

While McClaren could only watch on as his troops submitted meekly in Moscow, Archer displayed his credentials in Holmbury's first home win of the campaign.

While the Sun newspaper want to send McClaren into orbit, Holmbury's players have often thought Archer was on another planet - but his managerial decisions were nothing short of cosmic.

A week can be a long time in football, just ask those who had the dubious honour of pulling on the famous gold shirts seven days earlier only to be rolled over like a busy two-bob hooker with large debts to repay.

But the omens looked promising as the Saints lined up on Holmbury Hill.

Archer, the Guildford and Woking Alliance version of Arsene Wenger when it comes to shrewd moves in the transfer market, proved his mastery of a bargain by snapping up two full-backs during the week.

Right-back Simon, resplendent in gold boots, and Alan Boothby, free after spending a month as Oliver Kahn's stunt double in the new film 'Ich Liebe Dich', shored up a defence leakier than Marky T on a night out.

Holmbury started well and could have gone ahead when Stu Staves charged clear - yes, you read correctly - before shooting just wide. Indeed, such a show of afterburner has not been seen from the prolific hitman since he was running in tries for Dorking Under-10s.

At the other end the Saints defence looked unruffled, so much so that Luke Bennett, Holmbury's ever improving stopper, might have lit up a fat Cuban cigar and ditched his keeping gloves for some Marks and Spencer slippers.
In front of him, Greek lieutenant Dimitri Georgedonis and the veteran Charles Davies, back after a 13 month lay off, provided a level of protection normally afforded to royalty.

But it was at the other end of the field where Holmbury looked the most potent and they were full value for their lead.

Russell Staves, sporting a Chris Kamara style moustache, spotted Matt Coates loitering with intent on the shoulder of the last defender. Lifting it through, Coates sped clear like Ashley Dougal after the latest hair-restoring product before burying past the exposed stopper.

It was soon 2-0 as Holmbury, taking a leaf out of Michael Jackson's book, went about putting their young opponents to bed.

Nick 'Rog' Rogerson, or Nigel as he is known to his manager, threaded a dreamy pass through to Staves senior who took time to steady himself before playing a gorgeous one-two with the opposition keeper before sliding into an empty net.

Holmbury's plans were thrown into disarray when Coates, their livewire forward, was forced off with an injury.
Archer replaced him, initially opting for a like-for-like swap, and joined Staves jnr up front. Although he made a nuisance of himself, the much vaulted player-manager, normally a centre half, stuck out like a womaniser in a gay bar.

He did enjoy one moment of note, however, flicking the ball over a defender's head and volleying in a move reminiscent of Gazza. But while the England hero hammered his shot past Andy Goram, Archer could only fire his shot against an unsuspecting defender.

Sanity prevailed in the second half, with Archer moved into defence allowing the twinkle-toed Boothby to push into midfield.

Archer was involved moments after the restart, albeit for the wrong reasons. Perhaps dreaming of what delights await him in Las Vegas in December, the gaffer switched off and allowed his man to head home unmarked.

But Saints should have been home and hosed by then. Simon had earlier struck the upright after marauding down the flank before Staves snr cracked the rebound horrible wide.
There were other chances too.

The impressive Mike Walsh, picked up from MLS side Chicago Fire, looked set to open his Holmbury account only to be tackled by his own teammate Staves jnr.

Such was Holmbury's dominance that captain Graham Turrall managed to get busy in the box - the first time in a while for the esteemed leader.

But, as he shaped to unleash a textbook volley, the ball took an eternity to fall for him and was hacked clear.

The Saints did not have to wait long for their third goal. Walsh, whose set-pieces would have made Percy Montgomery envious, sent over a humdinger of a corner which rebounded off the far post. Archer, loitering like Will Odell at 2am in Flares, provided the killer touch.

There was enough time for little Gary, whose gym sessions are really paying off, to make a cameo appearance as the Saints closed out the win.