Report

Injured, but fit enough to take care of his nearly three year old son while good lady was winning the bread, your match reporter only has the scoreline to go on but I can begin with a positive note. It is a notable improvement on last week (at least statistically).

Yes, five goals conceded in one half perhaps, six in the other, sounds almost miserly in comparison to the previous week's cannon-fodder exercise against The Herald. I note a change of goalkeeper, and a couple of others in defence. I do not know of Bacon, but already he is on a losing streak(y). Boom boom!

So I can't be sure whether it is us or them; are we so bad or do we happen to be facing the cream of the crop right at the beginning of the season? I can only say, let's hope so.

What I can be sure of is what I got up to myself on Sunday morning, which began with upsetting said nearly three year old by turning off the Tweenies for the repeat showing of Match of The Day. Tears and tantrums followed - yes, I saw that Alan Hansen was in the studio again. I'm sick of the sight of him, leave my Theo alone you dour Scottish bully (sorry Norves), concentrate on the mediocrity at Anfield. Not even you can bring yourself to tip them for the title this season. He's still bitter about '89, I can tell, can't get over it even after the Great FA Cup Final Robbery of 2001. Michael Owen? Pah! Look at him now, all washed up, still harbouring England ambitions but no one cares. So there is some justice.
What do you mean, who sounds bitter now?

As for the football on offer, well who'd have believed Lee Cattermole and Carl Henry would have been involved in a sending off and a stretchering off? Ironic the latter's challenge, seeing as he'd spent 90 minutes trying to put Joey Barton out of the game the previous week yet achieved it with Zamora after a fair tackle. It's a cruel game at times. The 2001 FA Cup Final, for instance. Did I mention that earlier?

Once Lineker had wrapped up the programme, - again without a pun (please tell me that period is over) - CBeebies was restored while injured centre forward got ready for the day. Out of the bath and into clothes, he paused to wonder how the Apsley Villa boys were doing. A glance at the clock, 9.15am. All going well so far.

Injured forward and son took to the swimming baths at Hemel sportspace, packed to the rafters, space in the baby pool to a premium, no room to flourish, bit like the Herald game. How would the lads being getting on now? 10.25am. Still alright.

After some food and drink in the sports centre cafe, the Pierce duo headed for the playground in nearby Boxmoor. Some friendships were made, there was expert sliding and climbing and then there was nearly a poo in some shorts, touching cloth I believe the expression is. So we returned to the sports centre toilets for nearly 3 year old to finalise matters (yes, the nearly 3 year old, who else did you think...idiots!)

Nearly 3 year old fancied a rest on the way back, so we watched some cricket. The score reminded me again of the Herald game. Hoped we were doing better today. If not, well it's obviously still cricket season, we're not in tune with football yet, the grass is still green and our boots aren't being anchored by half the mud on the quagmire pitch. How are we supposed to work in these conditions?

A pleasant walk home was tarnished by a scraped knee sustained by the wall next to the advertising boards for those fancy-looking Image flats. Don't worry, it was only the nearly 3 year old. He didn't want the bucket and sponge, preferred the Mr Bump cool-compress when we got in. Medical science really has come on in leaps and bounds.

Nearly 3 year old, like his father, declared himself injured, resolutely holding Mr Bump on injured knee, moving from the sofa only for a poo or a wee, forcing the older injured one to have no excuse but to clean the kitchen. So selfish kids these days, you bring them up best you can, teach them right from wrong and where's the reward? They say parents are crazy, at least as crazy as goalkeepers. But which is crazier? Well, I don't know, but what I can say is that I have played in some really bad football teams and in some really good football teams and that this season's Apsley Villa are not a really bad team, not even a bad team. 25 goals against to 0 scored may suggest otherwise but I predict a recovery in the next couple of weeks, helped by players becoming available and familiarity breeding.
You're saying I'm crazier, arent you?