Report

And so we come to the final match of the 2011/2012 season. A season in which the Jets’ status as domestic double winners has been taken by Mythical Land of Parkwyddn using their wealth founded upon the country’s richest reserves of currant filled flaky pastry confectionary.

A season when the Jets conquered Cheshire bringing county glory back to the Unicorn club and ending 44 (probably, I don’t know) years of hurt. A fantastic achievement of which the boys should be very proud and it’s a testament to the strength of the Timperley and District JFL that they have both the Cheshire FA champions (us) and likely Greater Manchester FA champions (Parkwyddn – final on Thursday) in the same division. The toughest and best U13 league in the world that this reporter has ever reported on.

A season that has seen the passing of too many our famous friends to list. Never again will we see Jimmy’s cigar smoke drifting over the Respect Barrier or wor Jocky lobbing his arrows into the opposition technical area. And now Donna Summer, with whom Big Chris continues to deny having conducted a secret affair at the height of her fame in the seventies, despite no-one ever suggesting it and no photos of the two of them together ever appearing.

And so, we are playing our final fixture away at Ashton on Mersey and once our favourite opposition coaching assistant arrives in his exploding car we are ready for the off.

Before kick-off though the ref goes over and worries Derek in his chair. “Do you know who I am. Tell me who I am. I’m Don Ruxberry” (name changed to protect the ref’s anonymity – though not by much). Anyway, Derek looks not the wiser and possibly a little scared when Don finally strolls off the start the game.

Five minutes into the action and the Jets open the scoring. A ball through the middle finds Josh in the area and it’s a great finish. 1 – 0.

15 minutes in and Oscar runs into the area on the left and dinks a cross over to the far post for Darius to volley home. 2 – 0.

The AoM keeper has a massive kick on him. Every goal kick is clearing the Jets back line. They are clever lads, eventually they will figure out they should try standing a yard further back.

And there is a magic moment from Darius in front of goal when he lifts off into a spin that accelerates dramatically when he misses the ball and ends with his trailing arm punching the ball into touch.

Big Chris has a go at the lads for not marking a yellow shirt until one of them points out that you don’t mark the guy taking the throw in.

About 10 minutes of the half remain. Jac fires in a rocket, the goalie fumbles and Josh is there to bundle it home. 3 – 0. Some scrappy stuff around the AoM area and the ball falls for Jac to fire home.  4 – 0. And then Jac and the keeper are chasing the ball. Jac pokes it into the goalies shins from where it ricochets back into Jac’s shin from where it ricochets back and into the net. 5 – 0. Half time.

A couple of minutes into the second half, a Jets’ corner is only half cleared and there’s Jac again. 6 – 0. Ryan runs down the right flank, turns into the area, keeps going and fires home. 7 – 0.

A corner from the right descends into the six yard box. Jamie swings his right boot at it, misses, it hits his left shin and it’s in. Quality finish. 8 – 0.

And then the Jets don’t score again. A full 20 minutes or so of completely goal thrill free football. It might have been different had it not been for ref Don’s personal interpretation of the offside rule (any pass in a forward direction that finds a player from the same team) but it would be churlish to complain in the circumstances.

Full time 8 – 0.  

The Jets have finished the season in second or third depending upon whether Urmston’s shock 9,860 – 0 victory over Wythenshawe that is currently showing on the FA website is allowed to stand. Link to final(ish) table below.

http://full-time.thefa.com/ProcessPublicSelect.do;jsessionid=4A4D4FBA3FBCDC8A4C204924BA1CC020?psSelectedSeason=9620972&psSelectedDivision=9106956&psSelectedCompetition=0&psSelectedLeague=7712931&Submit.x=5&Submit.y=6

With none of the boys having been selected by Spitting Image’s Roy Hodgson for the Euros, or Lord Coe of London for the London Olympics in London, tired limbs will have some time to rest over the summer whilst Big Chris suns himself on some Caribbean beach or other.

Your reporter has left the Press Box. Pass me that cricket bat!

Man of the Match

Josh

Notable performance

Everyone

Goalscorers:

Jac 3

Josh 2

Ryan

Darius 

Jamie